Predictable movies.

Why must movies be soooo predictable? Today I saw “Step Up” – a dance movie that follows a template for 5^th graders called “how to write a story with a happy ending.” Why did we choose “Step Up”? Well, we got to the movie theater late, looked at what was playing when we got there, and then saw the photo of the hot guy on the “Step Up” poster and thought “Hot guy dancing for us on a Sunday afternoon? Why not?” Let’s just say his hotness could not carry the movie…

Here’s the template overview:

Step 1: Choose two super-hot lead characters from vastly different backgrounds.
Execution: Ghetto boy and yuppie girl

Step 2: Create a situation in which said characters are miraculously brought together.
Execution: Ghetto boy breaks into yuppie girl’s school and vandalizes some stuff. Ghetto boy gets sentenced to community service at yuppie girl’s school of the arts.

Step 3: Establish circumstances in which characters neeeed each other.
Execution: Yuppie girl’s dance partner twists his ankle and nobody else can fill in (never mind that this is a freaking DANCE SCHOOL). Ghetto boy of course possesses an innate dance talent and doesn’t really want to keep mopping floors for his community service.

Step 4: Make sure characters have moment of groundbreaking romantic connection.
Execution: “Like when we dance together you’re so hot.” (“I mean yeah I have a boyfriend, but don’t worry, the writers will make sure that as soon as I’m into you my boyfriend will suddenly turn out to be a mega-asshole that I can dump without any emotional toil.”

Step 5: Create conflict so your bad movie can last longer.
Execution: Ghetto boy is irresponsible one day and doesn’t show up for rehearsal. Yuppie girl gets pissed at him. Ghetto boy quits because he always quits everything. (Viewers with an IQ under 75 have a moment of doubt about the future of the romance. All other viewers roll their eyes, make snide comments to their friends, and check their watches.)

Step 6: Resolve conflict and create triumphant happy ending.
Execution: Just moments before yuppie girl’s big show ghetto boy has a change of heart, runs to theater, begs for forgiveness, and dances incredible routine with yuppie girl despite lack of practice. Cue applause, romantic kiss, and important dance company figures ensuring perfect future for lead characters.

Step 7: Run all the way to the bank.
Execution: It cost me $9.50 to see this piece of crap on a Sunday afternoon. Rrrriiiipp offff!