Dear makers of the novelty light-up bouncy ball,

I know you're only out to make a profit and from my calculations you're doing very well, but I have to tell you, YOU ARE CLUTTERING MY LIFE!

I am a person who has trouble getting rid of things. I watch TLC's "Clean Sweep" for decluttering inspiration (if you haven't seen it, Tivo that puppy and prepare to be impressed). My friends try to help me discard useless items (e.g., emails announcing concert series from 2005, score cards from when I beat one of my friends in a heated game of mini golf 4 months ago, PowerPoint slide printouts from a class I loved but will never need to reference again, free key chains and lanyards which far outnumber the number of keys I am likely to have even if I take a night job as a janitor...you get the idea). And then there was the green bouncy ball which was given away to everyone who attended the Bates College Winter Carnival in 2004. It was not just any bouncy ball. It was fluorescent green, had a Bates Winter Carnival decal, and most importantly of all...the very reason it was hard to get rid of...when you bounced it, flashing red LED lights would be triggered and flash in a rather mesmerizing way for approximately 15 seconds (I may have timed it once...)

I kept this ball for over 2 years. Bouncing it now and then (typically whenever I came across it in the bottom of my "random crap" drawer) simply for the joy and excitement of the flashing lights. Maybe part of me felt a sweet revenge against my mother's refusal to buy me those nifty [tacky] kids' sneakers that flashed when you walked. But as I was sorting and packing my stuff to move down to DC to work for IBM, I finally decided it was time to part with the ball. I said to myself (out loud to push myself to ditch the thing) "Andrea, you are joining the real world. You do not need a light-up bouncy ball in the real world." And then I put it in the box for the Salvation Army. Well okay, I bounced it one last time and THEN put it in the box for the Salvation Army.

I was proud of myself. I had removed a useless item from my life. And then today, dressed in my very sharp business casual attire, I walked into the conference room at the IBM headquarters for my very first day of orientation and do you know what they gave me???

That's right, they gave me a god damn light-up bouncy ball precisely identical to the one I had just discarded except this one is blue, of course, and has the IBM logo. I can NOT believe it. Clearly some force of the universe wants me to own one of these pieces of novelty crap and I am weak. At this rate, I will own my new light-up bouncy ball until at least 2008. And as if one light-up bouncy ball was not enough, I had to sit for 8 hours surrounded by 40 other new hires entranced by their new toys. I felt smothered by clutter.

I hope you're happy you dirty, rich light-up bouncy ball makers. How do you look at yourselves in the mirror every day?

Sincerely,
An*FLASH*FLASH*drea